Struggling......

Today I have been really struggling. I am ready to admit that I have an eating disorder of sorts. I wouldn't consider myself anorexic and definitely not bulimic, I just go long periods without eating. I know it's not good for me and I don't know why I do it. Ever since I got sick a few years back, I don't feel the hunger cues until I'm so hungry that it hurts, so it's incredibly easy to forget to eat. I know that sounds dumb and a lot of people wouldn't believe that, but it's true.

Then there are other times when I look at food and I'm just disgusted by the thought of it. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm working to fix it. I can't really talk about it with anyone because they always get overly worried about me and then they start pressuring me to eat constantly, even when I've just eaten a meal. I know they mean well, but it's hard to go from eating 600 calories or something to eating 2000. I have been trying to gradually increase my amount of food, but sometimes it's just hard.

Today I woke up with a massive headache because I didn't eat or drink enough last night before going to bed. Then, we were getting ready to go swimming and I was just so tired that I layed down on the couch. When I lay down, I don't feel as sick, but when I stand up or start walking, I get really light headed and my insides burn. I ALWAYS eat if I feel dizzy or sick. It's just sometimes I get to that point without realizing it. I'm trying my best to work on it and I vow that I will get healthier!

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the way I look. I'm actually entirely too conceited for my own good.  I could stand in front of a mirror for hours just staring at myself. I know that sounds bad, but I did just say I was conceited. So this eating thing has nothing to do with my outward appearance. Maybe it's something inside, like when I don't have control over certain things in my life, I can always control how much I eat.

It makes me sad and happy that I'm writing this blog and opening up. Sad because my family may read this, Tyler may read this, and then panic and start shoving food down my throat. I love my family with my whole heart, but I don't need constant reminders on how skinny and unhealthy I am. Trust me, I know. I'm trying to fix it. It makes me happy though, that I have the strength to share this instead of keeping it inside.

I vow that I will be stronger and healthier and that I will reach a healthy weight, not only for myself but for Josephine. I want to be a healthy mom for her. I WILL be a healthy mom for her! :)

Current weight: 113